Mission "Food Fight"

[Blogger’s choice: Submitted by Poke-chan]

Hi, I'm what some people call a "drumstick.” Y'all can call me Drum. I'm here to tell you a little story. A story of a war between Tofu, a healthy food of the Vegetarians, and Soy, the savior of the Lactose Intolerant. Now, I don't much give a hoot about either of them, 'cause you see, we don't normally cross paths. But this was something that blew my ever lovin', deep fried mind!

Here's how it started: Soy usually stuck to the fake milk sections and stuff, right? Well, Tofu learned how to make this juice thing and was gettin' all up in Soy's territory. This is where a lot of us learned Soy don't take shi--I mean, doesn't stand for that kind of stuff. I mean, I was as surprised as the Crackers, but they never really know what goes on behind the scenes and junk, ya know? Anyway, Soy got pissed.

Tofu was not intimidated and didn't back down when Soy started talking the talk. Tofu is pretty cocky, on account that he knows to-fu or something like that. But Soy had some street fight in her. The pair of them fought and fought. It was worse than the Great Condiment War. Before anyone knew up from down there were Soy and Tofu coming in from all over the world. Neither side backed down an inch, and no a one ever hesitated to crush the other.

The battle went on for years; countless animal-friendly people starved in that time. Finally, it was brought to an end by the Mighty Whole Wheat. It came between the two feuding foods and told them to cool it. He showed them what they were doing, all the harm that was coming to the people who counted on them for nourishment.

They saw the light, and settled for peace, joining their two kingdoms and becoming one.

Moral of this tale? Don't mess with health food, they be crazy!

Mission "Coffee"

[Blogger’s choice #1: Submitted by Katie G.]

Ode to a Bean

If I plant you in the ground
there will be no beanstalk,
to lead me to a kingdom,
of which mortals only talk.
If I leave you on a table,
to behave the way you will,
There will be no jumping,
no leap to give me thrill.
Instead you sit quiet; brown, dignified.
So many things are there that you do signify.

It was you, you shapely bean,
in your glorious elixir,
that used the magic caffeine ,
as a hangover fixer.
You make my mornings bearable
you make my day pass quick.
The minutes that seem terrible
pass faster with each sip.
You are god-like; kind, merciful.
I could drink your sweet, sweet brew by the bucketful.

To conclude I say to you:
whether instant, decaf or ground.
There is no greater bean than you
Anywhere around!

(Also by same author, dedicated to Phillipos and General Gammon):

Within their jar they plot and scheme,
They are fiendish, those little brown beans!
007 doesn’t stand a chance when confronted
with their caffeinated charms!

It is the world they need and want,
They chuckle, giggle and taunt.
And they can do it, they can…boy, it sucks!
All with the help of the guys down at…STARBUCKS!

[Blogger’s choice #2: Submitted by Anonymous]

There's a small nation across the big sea,
Where coffee is beaten by tea,
It's called the UK
Where I'm sitting today
And I'm off to get a cuppa for me!

[Blogger’s choice #3: Submitted by Nikki Cooper]

As my teacher walks in with scalding hot coffee,
I picture the coffee as me, actually.
As it touches his lips
I think of his hand on my hips
Yes, the smell of hazelnut coffee
Makes me think of him softly.

[Blogger’s choice #4: Submitted by PinkLady]

Oh little black drink how you make me spaz
a little cream and sugar, and I'm all jazzed
You help me make it through the day
I hope this buzz doesn't go away
one cup in the morning to get me on the go
another in the evening, now enjoy the show
I'll got up and down and all around
no I'm not a ho
just give me that caffeine, and I'm on the go!!

Mission "Aliens"

[Blogger’s choice #1: Submitted by Alec C.]

One cold, dark night, I was lying in my bed wearing a polka-dotted Snuggie. Suddenly a boom ruptured my eardrums, followed by a blast of light, and my bedroom window shattering into thin air. It was my first night in my new 23rd-floor-up apartment. I live alone. I have no enemies.

The next moments were filled with TRUE silence.

BAM! My bedroom door was kicked in with such force, it soared across the room and left a 10-foot gaping hole in the wall, overlooking New York City. I jumped out of bed, and I grabbed the gun I keep in my pillowcase.

"Get back!" I warned.

The silhouette stepped out of the shadows, and my heart stopped. A 9-foot-tall man-looking creature with a large head and black eyes loomed over me, and I was near to falling to my death. I pointed my gun at his head. "Wait!" it said. "I-"

I pulled the trigger, and blasted a fist-sized hole right between its fist-sized eyes. Its eye turned a dead white and the creature fell. I backed away and watched the body fall down to the streets below. It seemed to fall forever. It landed on its gargantuan neck, snapping it, revealing a bloody bone and a bursting blood vessel.

"What have I done?" I thought. I accidentally lost control of the gun and it fell, too, to its end.

[Blogger’s choice #2: Submitted by Anonymous]

The wedding was a beautiful sight. For years the two star-crossed lovers had struggled to find each other and finally their dreams had been realized. The bride sighed happily as she looked to the sky --and was promptly crushed by a falling space craft. The wedding party screamed as the groom spontaneously combusted. A strange red light emitted from the fallen space craft and washed over the wedding party, which was suddenly overcome with cannibalistic urges. But before anybody had a chance to act on it, a blue light followed and they all began to disco dance. Deceivingly cute and fuzzy creatures emerged from the craft. One stepped forward, apparently their leader, and in a deep booming voice demanded a dance off! Two glaringly different individuals locked eyes from across the dance floor. "IT'S ON!" screamed Judy, a 60 year-old astrologist. Mark, a real-estate agent, simply let out a high pitched war cry! Charging towards the dance floor in a fit of madness, Mark broke out in the sprinkler. Judy cackled and began flailing her arms wildly in her own version of the windmill. Mark countered with the c walk. In reply, Judy laughed triumphantly and jerked the most glorious jerk Mark had ever seen. He fell to his knees, heartbroken, a sad cry escaping his trembling lips. The alien straightened up and in one fell swoop barked, "FAIL," and decimated them both. He sighed, feeling quite unfulfilled in his quest to find the galaxy's best dancer. "Let's back it up boys!" he called over his shoulders as he boarded the ship. It was time to move on. Hopefully one day he could find his greatest opponent. One day, one galaxy, one dead mofo.

[Blogger’s choice #3: Submitted by Hailey C.]

Okay, I know it sounds weird but this is true. One time I was in my room on my computer and I went downstairs to ask my dad a question, but he was gone. In fact, my whole family was gone--even my little brother, who had been playing in his room at the time. I looked in every room but they were just gone. After about ten minutes I gave up looking, deciding they must’ve taken the dogs for a walk or something (now that I mention it, the dogs were gone too...). Twenty minutes later there was a noise like a loud clunk. It came from my parents’ room. I looked in and they were there with the dogs. When asked where they were, they looked at me like I had corn growing out of my ears. My theory? There are only two logical answers: 1. They were taken by aliens. Duh. The more likely answer: I was taken by aliens, but I can’t remember it because they put me in a medically induced coma; I was gone for days, or years even, but they were using their telepathic powers to make me think I was in my house with my family gone. It is indeed possible that I am still there. Has anything strange ever happened to you? Even something very small? Your friend talked in a weird voice? Your teacher forgot to check your homework? Your mom’s chili tasted good? The only logical answer: aliens! They control our world without us knowing. The perfect crime!

Mission "Mad Scientist"

[Blogger’s choice #1: Submitted by Anonymous]

Once there was a mad scientist. He liked pudding. He wanted to create a new invention. He sat in his lair for hours upon hours trying to create a new concoction. He tried making flavors like bug, toenail, watermelon, and even boogers! And he always had his buddy Cuppycake by his side (Cuppycake is a living cup cake). Then one day Cuppycake said, “Hey, you should make me into a flavor!” So the mad scientist threw his buddy Cuppycake into the cooking thing, then WHAM. The best new flavor ever. Cupcake flavored pudding. He ate his best friend (and only friend at that) in a pudding cup because his love for pudding was so strong. The end!

[Blogger’s choice #2: Submitted by rlvsro@gmail.com]

There once was a man named Harold. Harold was a nice guy, but he was very, very short. Everyone made fun of him and it made him bitter and crazy. He decided he wanted to become taller, so he built himself some custom stilts. They weren't what he wanted though; he wanted to be exceptionally tall! So he captured a giraffe and transplanted its legs onto his body and put his legs on its body. Then he was too tall and people were scared of him! So he decided a trip to Samoa with an antelope was the proper way to go about this. He ate many mangoes and threw up a crocodile. He met George Washington on a crowded subway and ate his wig! Needless to say, Harold is now Hannah and lives in a tree next to the Aurora Borealis.

[Blogger’s choice #3: Submitted by Margaret Andrews]

One day a mad scientist was doing an experiment in his laboratory. He had always been odd as a child and hadn't had many friends, so he wanted to invent something that would help fill the hole in his heart and make the whole world know his name. He had been working day and night for two months and was on the verge of creating something amazing. He took a syringe and gingerly let a single drop of the substance drop into the smoking beaker. A cloud of dirty, grey smoke rose up as it landed, and the liquid in the beaker turned a poison green. The mad man let out a groan of triumph and wiped the perspiration from his face. All those weeks of slaving over his test tubes had paid off and soon he would no longer have to be alone.

He'd tried and failed many times before that moment to rid himself of the ache in his heart. Some of his early attempts even were as daring as to go into the world outside of his lab and try make friends with some of the many people that rushed by, but each time someone failed to acknowledge his existence--or worse yet, look upon him with looks of disgust as their eyes traveled from his stained, frayed clothes to his dirty, smudged face--just dampened his spirits even more. "I've never had friends and never will," he'd think to himself night after night. But something inside him told him to keep trying.

The scientist took the beaker and poured it down the mouth of the caged monkey on the table beside him. You could see the colour drain from the monkey’s face, even in the dim, red tinged light of the lab. The monkey began twitching and convulsing on the floor of its cage and then suddenly came to a halt and began choking. After having a fit of choking and coughing, the monkey spluttered out the words "Wh-what are you doing to me?” “Success,” the scientist whispered under his breath, and he whisked the monkey and the cage out of the lab.

The mad scientist squinted from the bright sun reflecting off of the big building. After a minute or two he finally decided to go inside. He nervously asked the lady at the front desk where he could find the head scientist. "Third floor, second door to the right," she droned. When the man reached the office his heart was pounding, but he pushed the door open and quickly stepped inside.

When he stepped outside again he had a broad smile etched on his face. He was going to be famous and everyone would love him soon enough, he thought happily to himself. Now all he had to do was wait.

Over the next few months the scientist was happy as he had ever been. He was constantly be taken from talk shows to science conferences to meetings, and all the attention was finally on him: the man who made animals talk. He had been completely made over and now looked like the kind of person whom you might see sitting in the corner office of the biggest building in town. He was so excited that people were actually accepting him that he had no time to think about anything else. His old, dingy laboratory where he had spent so much time was a mere memory and he had a new life.

Soon, though, the excitement died down and he didn't have any more talk shows to go on and there were new discoveries being made that seemed to interest people more. He couldn't figure out why nobody wanted his autograph anymore or why people were so tired of hearing about how his invention came to be. His hair became long and unstyled again and his clothes torn and dirty. He was running out of money and his agent stopped calling. He would have nowhere else to go but back to his lowly old laboratory. He was nobody anymore and he knew it.

He flipped the light switch on the wall and his old home was dully illuminated, and as he put the monkey (who was fast asleep) in his cage, he shed a tear because he knew all along that it was too good to be true.

Mission "Snuggies"

Here on Mystery Blurbs, Thursday is now declared “Thursday Thoughts.” For every Thursday blog, instead of giving a writing prompt I’ll ask for your opinions on a topic, and I’ll post them here.

To kick off “Thursday Thoughts,” I’ve gathered your thoughts on the infamous Blanket With Sleeves:

“What is a Snuggie by any other name? It’s a backwards robe.”

“Snuggies, cool concept, may work............make you look like a member of a cult.”

“Snuggies are nice...an innovative idea, and very practical. I totally want one for Christmas...preferably in red.”

“You don't need a blanket with arm holes, it wouldn't keep the heat in too well.”

“One Snuggie is not bad by itself; when you have a group of them…well, there is a reason why they don’t make them in white. A group of people wearing them looks cult-like. Maybe a massive suicide rally or something. So, in conclusion, a Snuggie is like a bad pair of glasses--they serve the purpose but you should not be seen in them.”

“I LOVE SNUGGIES!!!! THEY COMPLETE MY LIFE :))))”

“I think they are awesome. And have you HEARD? They make them for dogs now! Because, you know… they don't have fur or anything.”

“Snuggies are THE most amazing invention of the century; I mean a backwards robe, who could think up the genius? I couldn't, that's for sure! And they are just so comfy... so, so comfy! Gotta love those Snuggies (I own one in every colour! :D)”

“Snuggies are pretty much the most incredible creation ever. They have allowed me to express my true personality: that of a couch slug. Since getting one I am a Snuggie slug and as happy as can be :)”

“I have never heard about Snuggies.....”

“Snuggies… are really dumb. Or maybe they're awesome. The world may never know...unless you can tell me how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop.”

“Silly fad. The only good use is to wear the black ones backwards and pretend to be a wizard! However, if my office does a white elephant gift exchange this year, I plan to buy and bring an animal print Snuggie.”

“I think if you get a Snuggie you should go to jail, but if your fish wears your Snuggie then that’s an epic win.”

And, saving the best for last, here’s an absolutely hilarious Snuggie video:

Mission "Bank Robbery"

[Blogger's choice #1: Submitted by Emily]

I've worked at Ole County Bank for 20 years. A long time, especally with the tedious task of helping people who don't seem to really want your help--they just want the money. Nothing eventful really happened, until December 2nd, 2009.

It started a typical day. I woke up, put on my slacks and shoes, and drove to work. Out of nowhere, men dressed up like mascots from several different [cereals] busted in.

"GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY!" Captain Crunch shouted.

I shook my head; there wasn't any way I was going to give them the money I'd worked for 20 years to protect.

"We're trying to steal yee cash!" Lucky, the Lucky Charms elf chimed in.

"That’s grrrrreat!" Tony added.

"I will not give you the money," I added calmy--well, as calmly as I could.

"Money's not just for the bank!" the Trix rabbit chimed.

I was confused; it was apparent they weren't armed and this was, quite frankly, ridiculous. "No," I said again, truthfully getting a little bored. The mascots were quite perplexed, and they left. I watched them all pile into a white van and drive away.

Kids, now you know who drives the white vans.

[Blogger's choice #2: Submitted by Teagan McShane]

Mr. Sanders, how exactly did you rob the bank?...

God, was it an awful day to do it. My partner didn't think of that, you see. It was Christmas Eve and we thought, "How bout we just go rob a bank? It's Christmas Eve, everybody will be in their houses, waiting for Santie Claus to come around town, ya know?" But Paul did not think, what if a single man, make that a single old man, were still in that bank where we was robbing? He didn't think of that and that is why he is now dead.

Well on that night Paul and I arrived at the bank around midnight. As I told you earlier, I did not know that there was a man in the bank, so shooting the glass at the front of the bank and accidentally killing that man was not my fault. Well anyways, the man was counting money, thankfully for Paul and me. But Paul and I started fighting and the alarms were giving me a headache, and I was getting real pissed off because I did not want to be there when the cops arrived, and I knew they were not gonna take that long, because they were on call. And that's when I shot Paul right in the forehead and left.

[Blogger's choice #3 (Bonus joke!)]

First thing one Monday morning, a robber broke into the bank, and pointed his guns at the cashier said, “Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!'”

The cashier laughed and said, “You mean to say 'HISTORY.'”

The robber answered, “Don't change the subject.”

Mission "Fast Food"

[Blogger's choice #1]

Our children are crying.
They're hungry for food
but we keep shoveling grease
and crispy delightfulness
into their mouths.
It oozes down their stomachs
and into their hearts
becoming a religion
with drive thru services.
Bow to the arches,
so golden and large
we can see them
from miles down the interstate.
Why touch an oven
when a meal in a bag
is just five dollars
and 49 cents away?
And why set a table?
A car works just fine,
or a couch if we're trying
to be fancy.
Come one and come all
to the counter and you'll get
no nutrition, but hey, a cheap toy!
It was made overseas by a child.
A child! A child with visible ribs.
And our rolls keep enlarging
like tumors that we have
implanted so well on our own.
And we're crying, we're crying!
We're so happy this way
choosing meals off a dollar menu.

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[Blogger's choice #2]

This fast food
it's got me goin crazy
can't get off the couch
makes me seem so lazy

someone should sue
that one place
they only gave me
fried chicken to shove in my face

oh, it shouldn't matter
we shouldn't care
cuz I only wrote this
because of a dare

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[Blogger's choice #3]

the over priced
over salted
over limp
deep fried potato

dipped in
the spicy
but sweet
but fake
mashed up tomatoes

accompanied with
ground up cow bits
on circular bread
with seed from an unknown plant

badabababaaa

i'm lovin it.

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[Blogger's choice #4]

Fast food, Fast food
Oh, how you put me in the mood.
You really make my heart sing
But not the crap from Burger King
I'm talkin Wendy's, baby
Spicy chicken sandwich all the way!
Gotta eat it quick, okay?
Because tonight is the night that we agreed...
we're going to stop reading mystery google after we smoke weed
because I'm really stoned but Wendy's is definitely closed