Mission "Pirates"

[Blogger's choice #1: Submitted by Miyaberry]

Once, on an island far, far away, there was a village by the ocean. It used to be a peaceful village, full of happiness and prosperity.

Until Captain Purplegoatee’s ship paid it a visit one sunny afternoon.

It would be transformed into the stage for a battle so epic it wiped itself from the survivors’ minds, and has only been remembered because a wounded crew member recorded the entire thing in his journal.

Feared along the coasts of small islands and by ninjas everywhere, Captain Purplegoatee, or “Cap’m P.G” as he was fondly called by his crew (but never to his face, because that meant instant death) struck fear and awe into his opponents’ hearts. On water or land, his skill with any sharp object went unmatched. It was said that he could best anyone in a one-on-one battle. Simply because his opponent would be too occupied staring at the small violet line of hair on his chin that is his neatly kept pride and joy; his namesake, his goatee. He kept it covered with a scarf right up until the first move of battle was made. His opponent would be frightened and yet curious as to whether it was actually purple or a really shiny black, and that was when he made his move, finishing them quickly while they gaped at him.

His crew was a bloodthirsty and power-hungry bunch, all of whom he had picked up fighting in bars across the land. They enjoyed sailing and keelhauling almost as much as their Captain did. Which is why that bright, cheerful afternoon was turned dark and chilling upon the arrival of the giant, seven-and-a-half sailed ship, Narwharlicus. Unlike other pirate vessels, this one wasn’t black, and it didn’t carry a skull-and cross-bones flag. Captain P.G. liked to arrive with gusto and flair. And he wanted his victims to know who would soon be dealing with them. His ship was decked out with bright purple, and the flag was neon green with a giant purple handprint in the middle.

This was a pirate who was so feared he didn’t need to worry about stealth while roving the seas. Even the officials wouldn’t come near his ship if it was sighted. And that’s why he got away with the callous destruction and looting of that happy little village. No one was willing to stop him. Then again, there was hardly anyone who was strong enough. The small village was pillaged and burned, the survivors running for cover to the other side of the island. Purplegoatee’s crew laughed and jeered as they ran through the rubble, looting the houses and trampling whatever they didn’t like into useless wreckage. Purplegoatee himself stood amidst the chaos, singing his victory song, as was a tradition passed down to him from his father, Greybrows. He sang as he tore the village's flag down from its pole and raised his own colors on one of the smaller flags that he had made. Another tradition that had been passed down. He had been brought up to announce his presence wherever he had traveled. His father was no coward, and neither was he.

It just so happened, that on the day he and his crew were merrily enjoying an afternoon of destruction, another ship was sailing towards the very same island.

It was Captain Greendreds, a half-brother of Purplegoatee, who had caught news of his siblings’ rise to fame. On hearing that he had once again won the title of most fearsome pirate, Greendreds had become terribly jealous and set out to find his half-brother to challenge him to a duel. On shore, Purplegoatee and his crew had spotted the ship, and were now taking hasty battle precautions. Knowing that whomever was approaching would be at a disadvantage, the crew quickly pulled together to turn their ship so that the cannon ports faced the open waters. With Purplegoatee roaring orders, they boarded the ship and took their stations. The air became thick with tension and silent save for the sound of the waves lapping against the ships timbers. The approaching ship got closer and closer, until Purplegoatee could faintly make out the green flag with the black dredded wig in the middle. Shocked at being faced with his half-brothers ship, he hesitated a crucial moment in ordering his crew to attack.

Then with a roar, Greendreds ship open fired. The purple ship was hit, the crow’s nest exploded down onto the shocked crew before they had a chance to take cover. Purplegoatee shouted for retaliation, which was given almost immediately. He watched as the other ship shuddered with the impact of two cannonballs to the main deck. But a return hit was soon in coming. Drawing his sword, he yelled and slashed at the air as his ship rocked back and forth with the impact of a cannon ball.

Suddenly he was shouting for the crew to hoist anchor and get sailing. They complied quickly, slightly confused as to why he would want to sail in the midst of battle. But once they caught the current and went skimming towards their opponents, it became clear.

They would play chicken with the other ship. The losing ship would be sent to an immediate watery grave.

However, the unexpected happened. Neither of the two captains gave in. Both crews began to shout wildly at their Captains, but it fell on two sets of deaf ears. The half-brothers stood at the wheels of their respective ships, and neither budged an inch. Both were intent on showing the other he was the better pirate. The instant before the ships made contact, two loud battle cries were heard piercing through the air.

An explosion of gigantic proportions shook the surrounding waters. Both fronts of the ships were jarred into pieces which shot out in every direction. Crew members were flung screaming into the air; some died instantly when the ships met. The waves grew large and swallowed most of the wreckage as the back ends of the ships sank slowly, creating whirlpools that sucked crew members unlucky enough to be near down with them.

As for the Captains, no one knows if they survived or perished in that crazy, impulsive battle. Rumor has it that they were thrown at each other amidst the crash, and the force from the explosion sent them rocketing into the sky, still fighting over who was the better pirate.

So that’s where they must be.

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[Blogger's choice #2]

Steve Mcqueen thought to himself about how he and Albert Einstein had come to fight crime together in Heaven. It really began when God came to them one day and he said, "Children, I understand this is Heaven and there is an understanding that it's supposed to be nice and shit, but truth be told it's become a bit corrupt, through no fault of my own." He took out a cigarette before patting his pockets, and saying, "Hey Mcqueen, got a light?," Mcqueen begrudgingly gave his lighter up. "Yes," said God, "So I want you and Einstein here to fight crime. I figured you can ride motorcylcles and Einstein here can theoretically plant a garden so, I dunno, maybe you can get some of the pirates? I dont know, I'm very tired. Now go fuck off and track down some pirates."

Steve Mcqueen and Einstein rode to downtown Heaven where pirates were terrorizing the house of Abraham Lincoln. Upon seeing them, Lincoln shouted, "You have got to be kidding me! First pirates in a landlocked city, now an actor and a scientist are fighting crime? All I wanted to do in Heaven was write techno operas, smoke some hash, and hang with Theodore Roosevelt! But no! Not for Lincoln, Lincolns got to get attacked by pirates. Great. I am so glad I got into Heaven. God, are you listening? I went to church every fucking Sunday. I wish I went to hell instead!"

After this rant, Lincoln had the misfortune to be eaten by a giant squid. "RRRRRRRRRRR," yelled a pirate. "I knew I should have ended you before, you bastard squid! Now you have eaten two former presidents of the United States. Not to mention president José Figueres Ferrer of Costa Rica! Why do you have such an appetite?!"

At this point Steve Mcqueen pushed Einstein off his motorcycle and left. Einstein, left to his own devices, devised a peace plan between the pirate and the squid. The pirate later asked him to be president of his ship. Upon acceptance, he was eaten by the ship.

What have we learned today, kids? That's right, never die.

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[Blogger's choice #3 (Bonus joke!): Submitted by MG]

Once there was a girl who was a student in Mr. Smith's algebra class. One day she decided to be a wise guy and she raised her hand. When Mr. Smith called on her she asked, "Why do we have to learn about X when it's only useful if your a pirate?"

Mission "Ghosts"

[Blogger's choice: Written by viahale@live.com]


I'm posting this blog to find some help....or to share my story. My house is haunted by three ghosts and possibly one Brownie (a faerie that lives in walls: a collector, likes to steal shiny things to make a nest out of, and to pester humans they share a house with). Anyway, my house is made up of two apartments, side by side. Our side has a second floor, unlike the other. It seems that around the same time every year our tenants move out and the apartment remains empty until someone new moves in. When that area of the house is empty is when the majority of the activity occurs. We've called the police four times in the past three years because the door inside the hallway leading to the tenant's apartment will be knocked on, then it will open, and slam shut. My dad will yell at whoever or whatever is in there, then call the police to make sure it's not a robber or something. The same thing happens all the time; the cops come, guns drawn, search the apartment, find nothing, then leave. Ridiculous? Yup. They must think we're on drugs by now. Another time we had to call the police was when the tenants next door weren't home at like 2 a.m., and my mom was watching TV in the living room when she heard whining and scratching at our door (that leads into the hallway). So she got up and nervously opened the door, to find their dog alone in the entranceway. She woke my dad up and he called the police (sigh) and they came to find that the door the dog got out of was bolted from the inside, and there was no possible way the dog could have gotten out.

In more recent times, after that tenant moved out, my grandmother was painting one of the bedrooms of the empty apartment to get it ready for the next neighbor to move in. She was alone, it was raining outside and all the windows were closed and locked, as were the doors. Suddenly she heard a man's growling coming from the living room, and [it] lasted about thirty seconds. Frightened, she rushed into the room the sound had come from, and found absolutely nothing. Then she went into our apartment to see if it had come from the TV, but it was off and my mom and brother were asleep, my dad was at work, and I was at school. So my mom told me what happened and we went home, and I thought as a joke I would come in, sneak up on my still-painting grandmother and re-enact the sound my mom described to me. I scared the crap out of her, so she had me stay with her while she finished painting. My brother went down for a nap and I had the idea that my mom and I should try to contact the ghosts. We sat on the floor, recording on my cell phone, and when we re-played it, we found this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwxWUcRi92E .

The knock-open-slam thing happened more frequently, so my mom called her friend (who's a witch) to get the old tenant's negative energies she left from anger and stress out of the wood, and to calm the spirits. She went through, sprinkling the windows and entryways with sea salt and burned incense in every room. It worked for a bit, until the really late summer or early fall when the knock-open-slam thing happened again, only now my dad was standing in front of the hallway and heard it right behind him. At that same time I was outside making Lost Cat posters with my little brother Zach, Emily, and Sarah. I had gone to check the mail, which was right outside the hallway, but didn't touch the door. I would have seen if anyone had entered or left. My dad called us all in the house to monitor all the exits to make sure no one left while he called the police outside in the shed. Three cop cars came and the neighbor, who lived in the house next door that used to be the carriage house for our house a hundred or so years ago, came over to see what was going on. We told him what had happened, and he told us it was completely normal in his house for the cabinet doors to open and shut right in front of him, and other things similar to what happens in our house happened to him all the time. As usual, the police found absolutely nothing and left; some officers there had been here before for the same reason. They must think we're insane.

But the more important part of that day was after the police left. Sarah, Emily, and I decided to walk around the house and look in the windows of the apartment. While we were looking in one, we saw a black shadow, shaped like a little person about two and a half feet high, dart from the kitchen into the next room and was then gone. We ran over to my mom, who was cooking something on the grill and were all like, "OMG YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT WE JUST SAW" and she told us to shush and wait to tell her later when my little brother (who's 4) was asleep. So we waited until later that night and we all sat down and she asked us what we saw. We told her, and she said that she saw the same thing at the same time from the grill but didn't want to say anything in front of Zach.

So now, they're stealing our stuff. It started with five of the steak knives being gone. Then my mom's car keys disappeared. My brother's Ben 10 Wii game is gone. Now Emily's iPod that she left here is gone. My mom and I are searching the entire house. They tend to like shiny things that mean something, so we've sacrificed my mom's favorite shiny earrings and one of my necklaces for her car keys and the iPod. If you can help us or know anyone that could/would help us, please message me or e-mail me at viahale@live.com.

Mission "Superhero"

[Blogger's choice: #1 - Written by agent dbl-0-ninety-two]

Harry Potter, again? I gave an exasperated sigh. One could only put up with so much hero-worship before they puked up their pumpkin pasties. I glared at the fourth group of girls to walk past my table whispering excitedly about the arrival of the Chosen One. This was a library for crying out loud.

I continued my work, trying to find that one quote I knew would prove Redkin the Rude was born January 16, 1338, until a fifth group shuffled by me, almost knocking my neatly stacked pile of parchment to the floor. I managed to snatch them midair, but, by that time, I had already decided a change in scenery was necessary in order for me to retain any sanity I may have had left.

I rolled up my parchment, slid the large, dusty tome into my book bag, and stuffed my quill into my cloak pocket. The hallways were mostly empty, and my shoes made muffled scuffing noises against the stone floor. It was nice to hear the echo.

Towards the end of the school-year, days at Hogwarts get very hot. This is when our house members especially have to find something to do besides study. It wouldn’t help our reputation any to be the only ones locked up inside doing work while the rest of the school spends their time outside playing Quidditch or napping under trees.

I met two of my friends in the Ravenclaw common room, and, after a brief conversation, decided to go down to the lake. We walked down slowly, not wanting to spend too much of our energy, but to no avail. By the time we reached the water's edge, we were all sweating profusely.

I looked out over the lake's glassy surface, and was about to turn back to my friends’ discussion when a ripple caught my attention. I whipped my head back to where I had seen the flash of white, but saw nothing. After a while, I looked to my friends, but noted that they were still arguing about the answer to one of the more difficult problems on our Arithmancy homework. I sighed.

I took off my cloak and shoes and left them in a pile on the shore, then started making my way around the edge of the lake. Eventually, I lost sight of them, and made my way through the trees at the water’s edge. I looped around a particularly large tree, listening to the chatter of birds in the branches above me, then turned my attention back to the lake. The water looked amazingly refreshing.

I looked around, an idea forming in my mind. Well, I thought, there’s no on around now. No one’s gonna see me. Before I could change my mind, I dove into the lake, barely making a splash. I felt the skin in the side of my neck start to melt away, making way for two gill-like slits on either side. I swallowed a gulp of water, and smiled as it exited my gills.

I forgot how much I love water. My feet and hands had already completed their transformation, and I spun around experimentally, marveling at the speed webbed digits provided. After a minute or so of simply treading water, I started kicking, moving further into lake.

The water felt amazing against my heated skin, and I continued my journey into the deep, not caring that all sorts of water creatures inhabited the water around me. As I moved further into the depths, less light could penetrate the darkness, and I had to rely on my watersight more and more. I didn’t particularly like the green tinge it provided, but was grateful that it allowed me to see into my surroundings.

I continued my journey, glad to get away from the world above. It was way too hot and dry for my tastes. The water below was much more enjoyable. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the same flash of white I had seen at the surface. So it was him, I thought, as a pale, grey tentacle emerged from the darkness.

I knew I should have been at least somewhat worried, and had I been anyone else, I would have been, but the utterly relaxing environment I was in seemed to shut out any of the fears I could have had. I turned to face the giant squid, and was surprised to find myself staring straight into his enormous eye. The pupil alone was the size of my fist. I gazed at the creature before me, gently kicking my fins to keep myself suspended at the squid’s eye level. It was not everyday he decided to show himself.

Gracing me with your presence, are you? I thought. Bubbles appeared and rose to the surface.

A chuckle.

Well, I’m not impressed. The squid simply stared at me curiously.

Eventually, he lost interest and turned, slowly swimming away, its many tentacles drifting lazily behind it. It made its way back into the depths. Once he had gone, I paused and looked up, where tiny rays of light could be seen filtering through the green water. I kicked my legs, and began my trek back to the surface. I emerged at the water’s edge, the same place that I had begun my swim. The birds in the large tree were still chirping noisily. As the warm breeze grazed my neck, the slits melded back together, and I took a deep breath, air now entering my body instead of water. I shook my head.

Nope. Never as good.

I made my way back to my friends who were beginning to walk in my direction.

“Where did you go?” the first said curiously, as they reached me, “You were here one minute, and then we turn around and you’re gone.” I stopped and slipped back into my shoes and cloak, not bothering to use a spell to dry my clothes. The heat would take care of that for me.

“I felt like going for a swim.” My friends just looked at me as if I had grown two heads.

“Right,” the second responded sarcastically. “Because swimming in a lake full of dangerous water creatures is a totally awesome idea.”

I just smiled and nodded. “Yep, totally awesome.” They stared at me incredulously, but left it at that, and we began our walk back to the dormitory to finish our Arithmancy homework.

oOoOo

As the three figures strolled back up the hill toward the castle, a lone quill lay upon the ground where they had just stood. It fluttered only slightly, pushed by the wind, until a particularly strong gust lifted it up into the air. It swirled for mere moments before being released and falling onto the lake’s surface. The gentle touch of feather-on-water, though, caused no disturbance in the lake’s appearance.

Suddenly, a lone gray tentacle reached up, curled swiftly around the object, and then dipped back below the surface, disappearing once more. There was a brief disturbance in the uniformity of the lake, but, seconds later, the ripples were swallowed by the wind, and the lake became smooth and glassy once more.

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[Blogger's choice: #2: Written by they_call_me_stanley@hotmail.com]

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, there was a superhero. His name was...Salmon Boy. Salmon Boy was no ordinary superhero. His salmon senses were by far the keenest in the entire solar system!

Now, Salmon Boy had a terrible arch-nemesis. His name....was Lord Trout. He was the meanest man in the whole of the universe. He liked to torture the common folk by putting them just out of reach of the world's most tastiest looking cakes; to watch as they struggled, catching the scent of the delicious baked goodness. His evil knew no bounds!

One day, Salmon Boy decided it was time to put and end to his madness. Using his elite salmon senses, he tracked Lord Trout's digusting fish aroma to an old abandoned planet.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAA!" Lord Trout laughed, evily. "You think you can stop me. I AM THE MASTER OF THIS UNIVERSE!!"

"THINK AGAIN, LORD TROUT, YOU DASTARDLY FIEND!" Salmon Boy shouted defiantly. "For I harness the power of...THIS ROCK!"

"NOOOOO!" Lord Trout cried, as Salmon Boy smartly smooshed him in the back of the head with a rock, killing him instantly.

"Salmon-Boy!" the villagers cried when they heard the news. "How did you know how to defeat him?"

"The same way you defeat anything annoying!" Salmon Boy said happily. "Hit it with a rock!"

The End.

Mystery Blurbs Introduction

The concept of this blog is this simple:

I've created a mission on MysteryGoogle.com that gives Mystery Googlers a topic and asks them to send stories to an e-mail address. I read through the stories, and each day I'll post the one I find most entertaining.

If you've completed this mission, it's a fun way to see if your story ends up here! And if you haven't, I'm hoping this will be entertaining to read once it really gets going.

Enjoy!