[Blogger's choice #1: Submitted by Miyaberry]
Once, on an island far, far away, there was a village by the ocean. It used to be a peaceful village, full of happiness and prosperity.
Until Captain Purplegoatee’s ship paid it a visit one sunny afternoon.
It would be transformed into the stage for a battle so epic it wiped itself from the survivors’ minds, and has only been remembered because a wounded crew member recorded the entire thing in his journal.
Feared along the coasts of small islands and by ninjas everywhere, Captain Purplegoatee, or “Cap’m P.G” as he was fondly called by his crew (but never to his face, because that meant instant death) struck fear and awe into his opponents’ hearts. On water or land, his skill with any sharp object went unmatched. It was said that he could best anyone in a one-on-one battle. Simply because his opponent would be too occupied staring at the small violet line of hair on his chin that is his neatly kept pride and joy; his namesake, his goatee. He kept it covered with a scarf right up until the first move of battle was made. His opponent would be frightened and yet curious as to whether it was actually purple or a really shiny black, and that was when he made his move, finishing them quickly while they gaped at him.
His crew was a bloodthirsty and power-hungry bunch, all of whom he had picked up fighting in bars across the land. They enjoyed sailing and keelhauling almost as much as their Captain did. Which is why that bright, cheerful afternoon was turned dark and chilling upon the arrival of the giant, seven-and-a-half sailed ship, Narwharlicus. Unlike other pirate vessels, this one wasn’t black, and it didn’t carry a skull-and cross-bones flag. Captain P.G. liked to arrive with gusto and flair. And he wanted his victims to know who would soon be dealing with them. His ship was decked out with bright purple, and the flag was neon green with a giant purple handprint in the middle.
This was a pirate who was so feared he didn’t need to worry about stealth while roving the seas. Even the officials wouldn’t come near his ship if it was sighted. And that’s why he got away with the callous destruction and looting of that happy little village. No one was willing to stop him. Then again, there was hardly anyone who was strong enough. The small village was pillaged and burned, the survivors running for cover to the other side of the island. Purplegoatee’s crew laughed and jeered as they ran through the rubble, looting the houses and trampling whatever they didn’t like into useless wreckage. Purplegoatee himself stood amidst the chaos, singing his victory song, as was a tradition passed down to him from his father, Greybrows. He sang as he tore the village's flag down from its pole and raised his own colors on one of the smaller flags that he had made. Another tradition that had been passed down. He had been brought up to announce his presence wherever he had traveled. His father was no coward, and neither was he.
It just so happened, that on the day he and his crew were merrily enjoying an afternoon of destruction, another ship was sailing towards the very same island.
It was Captain Greendreds, a half-brother of Purplegoatee, who had caught news of his siblings’ rise to fame. On hearing that he had once again won the title of most fearsome pirate, Greendreds had become terribly jealous and set out to find his half-brother to challenge him to a duel. On shore, Purplegoatee and his crew had spotted the ship, and were now taking hasty battle precautions. Knowing that whomever was approaching would be at a disadvantage, the crew quickly pulled together to turn their ship so that the cannon ports faced the open waters. With Purplegoatee roaring orders, they boarded the ship and took their stations. The air became thick with tension and silent save for the sound of the waves lapping against the ships timbers. The approaching ship got closer and closer, until Purplegoatee could faintly make out the green flag with the black dredded wig in the middle. Shocked at being faced with his half-brothers ship, he hesitated a crucial moment in ordering his crew to attack.
Then with a roar, Greendreds ship open fired. The purple ship was hit, the crow’s nest exploded down onto the shocked crew before they had a chance to take cover. Purplegoatee shouted for retaliation, which was given almost immediately. He watched as the other ship shuddered with the impact of two cannonballs to the main deck. But a return hit was soon in coming. Drawing his sword, he yelled and slashed at the air as his ship rocked back and forth with the impact of a cannon ball.
Suddenly he was shouting for the crew to hoist anchor and get sailing. They complied quickly, slightly confused as to why he would want to sail in the midst of battle. But once they caught the current and went skimming towards their opponents, it became clear.
They would play chicken with the other ship. The losing ship would be sent to an immediate watery grave.
However, the unexpected happened. Neither of the two captains gave in. Both crews began to shout wildly at their Captains, but it fell on two sets of deaf ears. The half-brothers stood at the wheels of their respective ships, and neither budged an inch. Both were intent on showing the other he was the better pirate. The instant before the ships made contact, two loud battle cries were heard piercing through the air.
An explosion of gigantic proportions shook the surrounding waters. Both fronts of the ships were jarred into pieces which shot out in every direction. Crew members were flung screaming into the air; some died instantly when the ships met. The waves grew large and swallowed most of the wreckage as the back ends of the ships sank slowly, creating whirlpools that sucked crew members unlucky enough to be near down with them.
As for the Captains, no one knows if they survived or perished in that crazy, impulsive battle. Rumor has it that they were thrown at each other amidst the crash, and the force from the explosion sent them rocketing into the sky, still fighting over who was the better pirate.
So that’s where they must be.
[Blogger's choice #2]
Steve Mcqueen thought to himself about how he and Albert Einstein had come to fight crime together in Heaven. It really began when God came to them one day and he said, "Children, I understand this is Heaven and there is an understanding that it's supposed to be nice and shit, but truth be told it's become a bit corrupt, through no fault of my own." He took out a cigarette before patting his pockets, and saying, "Hey Mcqueen, got a light?," Mcqueen begrudgingly gave his lighter up. "Yes," said God, "So I want you and Einstein here to fight crime. I figured you can ride motorcylcles and Einstein here can theoretically plant a garden so, I dunno, maybe you can get some of the pirates? I dont know, I'm very tired. Now go fuck off and track down some pirates."
Steve Mcqueen and Einstein rode to downtown Heaven where pirates were terrorizing the house of Abraham Lincoln. Upon seeing them, Lincoln shouted, "You have got to be kidding me! First pirates in a landlocked city, now an actor and a scientist are fighting crime? All I wanted to do in Heaven was write techno operas, smoke some hash, and hang with Theodore Roosevelt! But no! Not for Lincoln, Lincolns got to get attacked by pirates. Great. I am so glad I got into Heaven. God, are you listening? I went to church every fucking Sunday. I wish I went to hell instead!"
After this rant, Lincoln had the misfortune to be eaten by a giant squid. "RRRRRRRRRRR," yelled a pirate. "I knew I should have ended you before, you bastard squid! Now you have eaten two former presidents of the United States. Not to mention president José Figueres Ferrer of Costa Rica! Why do you have such an appetite?!"
At this point Steve Mcqueen pushed Einstein off his motorcycle and left. Einstein, left to his own devices, devised a peace plan between the pirate and the squid. The pirate later asked him to be president of his ship. Upon acceptance, he was eaten by the ship.
What have we learned today, kids? That's right, never die.
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[Blogger's choice #3 (Bonus joke!): Submitted by MG]
Once there was a girl who was a student in Mr. Smith's algebra class. One day she decided to be a wise guy and she raised her hand. When Mr. Smith called on her she asked, "Why do we have to learn about X when it's only useful if your a pirate?"
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